So my mom decided that she going to move back.. coincidentally the same weekend that I am going to leave… but me and her are kind of not getting along right now.. I know that when I come back from my military stuff I cannot live at home or we are just goin to hate each other! But yesterday.. I was just heart broken.. so I brought me graduating from basic training and all my mom said was.. “I don’t know cause I don’t know if I could afford it”…im just like what the FUCK!?!? And she was like I don’t even think im goin to Hawaii this year! So who gives a fuck about Hawaii.. that’s your sisters daughter.. its understandable if u cant make it.. but im your only daughter and u aint tryin to see meeh graduate.. and she was like.. “it’s a short lived graduation.. its not like you graduated out of 4 years of college!” what kind of shit is that?

My mom is the nicest person I know.. but when she can also be the person that hurts me the most.. I mean.. how can she tell meeh that? I’ve never really felt like I made her proud.. because I never really did what she wanted me to do and I think she’s always resented me for that.. I mean she raised me to be independent and I think she feels like its turned on her because I don’t depend on her for everything.. other than like the necessities (house, money, etc.)… but I mean I still need her she is at the base of everything.. she was my first friend… I need her support.. but for the longest time her support has always been sort of minimal.. like when I was playin sports.. I was doin too much cause I loved playin all of them.. and that was such a bad thing ? then when I stopped playin sports she was mad at me for that to… then when I started again.. she was mad at me because it was taking up so much of my time.. then when I started workin she got mad because I was never home.. just never satisfied with anything I did.. when I told her I wanted to go to skool in sf she was mad that I was goin to leave sac.. then when I didn’t want to go there no more.. she questioned it.. and she never believed in my career choice and tried to tell meeh to be in the medical field or do something in real estate..  then when I started to doubt to she was then bringing it up and sayin I should do it.. and at first she was against the whole military thing.. then she was all for it.. then now that im goin she doesn’t think I should and shit like that… I don’t know..

Im just really tired.. I think I realize now that I’ve stopped trying to impress her a long time ago.. and I just need to come to the realization that I can’t do anything to make her proud because she will never be proud of me until she accepts me for who I am.. im tired of tryin to prove myself worthy to her…I don’t want to be an obligation because im not.. and even though she got stuck with raising meeh all by herself.. and now she has to do damn near the same thing with my brother.. we are gifts from god.. a reminder that he exists and that miracles happen cause in our own little ways.. we are blessings to her..

much mahal
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YES! he finally got it yesterday.. he was exited.. heahe my trick worked because i had given him a plain white tee, a red one and a black one and put the spray painted on in the bottom of the pile.. and he told meeh he opened it and was like what eff? "i coulda bought that shit myself" then his patna was like.. why she get you two white tee's? and he was like i dont know.. lemme see what size it is.. then thats when he saw the shirt..so yeah.. it made my day cause he was happy.. BUT! oh yeah there is a but.. he pissed meeh off cause he was like.. u really woulda been somethin somethin ( i dont remember what he said) if you woulda put diamonds on it.. u know those little things that give the shirt a little bling bling... yeah i feel him but fuck that shit... and he was like im bout to put some yellow ones on his teeth so u can see his grill.. and i just laughed it off but later on that night it still bothered. meeh... its petty but still i mean.. shit its not enough i got him the shirt made.. i didnt have to do all that.. spend that money and go out of my way on my days off or in between my jobs to get it done... UGH! hella inconsiderate! why do i put up with bull shit?

so last night.. jimmy called me out.. basically sayin he needs someone more consistent with their feelings...and knows what they want and he aint got no time to play games.. and yada da da da... and so here i go again.. breakin his heart and shit.. i can't help it.. im just still caught up in so much other shit... i know he knows that my past is like creepin around still cuase he brought it up.. and i just feel soo selfish.. thas why i think it is better that we just stay friends...for him and his feelings at least..........

so does this mean that im still holdin on to obryan? i mean.. i am.. but losely cause its gettin old.. this routine of him not knowin what he wants.. and only like comin to me once in a while.. mostly before he bout to come out here..does he really love me? yes.. does he really want me? or is he just satisfied with the fact that in a sense he has me? i mean what the business ?

much mahal
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Why every time.. and I mean every time.. that I start being able to like be koo off of obryan.. that’s when he comes to me… WHY? He made my day yesterday… I talked to him while I was at work and when I got home.. we were mostly arguing but it was healthy.. it made us both laugh…what can I say… he knows how to put a smile on my face…and he knows it…so he should be receiving the shirt(s) that I got him… I cant wait to see his reaction… I know he finna trip out… ( I got him the shirt with Donald’s picture spray painted on it.  See Donald is his friend who was killed the beginning of this year.. Obryan talked highly about him …. And was sad that he couldn’t make it out to the funeral and I remember him saying eFf  a mac dre shirt.. he’d rather have one of his boy.. so luckily stacy’s sister was a good friend of Donald…so I got a picture) … I REALLY hope it touches his heart which im sure it would.. he was pose to come out here this weekend but he ain’t.. he might come out here next weekend or the one after that… I hope to see him before I leave.. cause I know I aint finna see him till I get back from basic training and from tech school… so he figured out that I did it on purpose.. that I purposely made my schedule so we both get out at the same time?!?!? Hehaeha… what can I say… I love him…

So once again he was talking bout how he just doesn’t want to have me waiting for him because he really doesn’t know what he wants in his life.. (prolly he doesn’t know who he wants) and he was sayin how he is just putting me up for auction but I aint for sale.. and its hard for him to see me go off and do my thing but he aint tryin ta be whatever cause he don’t know what he wants..

What the hell do I want? JIMMY? OBRYAN? For sure I know not NICKIB… I mean I know if I go to south Carolina.. me and obryan are done with cause… I’ll end up with jimmy… but I really do hope that me and obryan just have a shot.. please god… I just want one chance to be with him… I know me and him would be good for each other because we would balance out…we are so different… but at the same time it would be good for both of us to have each other in our lives… i know I’m crazy….

He asked me if I was messin with anyone… or if I got new work..and I was thinking on how to word things and he was like.. yeah you right I prolly don’t want to know… but I just told him that I mean yeah I meet people all the time but the fact is they aint the ones that I want..

Much mahal
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So the days just keep comin and its really almost time to go.. on the 15^th imma stop workin for ml stern.. and hopefully shortly after I can stop workin for B&B.. though imma miss both jobs. I need time to kick it with the people im bout to leave… so im hella nervEeH! I don’t know why… I mean.. I know I can take it.. im sure it will be hard but then again… I LOVE challenges.. im skared that imma lose too much weight and I aint finna look the same.. cause I mean.. I like that im THICK but I hate that im CHUBBy at the same time!...(SIGHS)… everything here in sac is so COMFEEH! I got my own house basically.. I have two good jobs.. and prolly don’t need to even finish skool cause I can stay at ML STERN and become like the assistant and make money or what not.. but I feel like I am destined for more than what I have.. I know that after I go to the military and I have them pay for my skool.. I know that Imma make it.. I haven’t given up on my dream on becoming a broadcast journalist.. so hopefully my strive to achieve my goal will get stronger!

So I’m still a little bit freaked out by Jimmy…. I’ve been hella thinking.. like for the past week or so.. we’ve barely been able to talk cause of the time difference and cause since he’s had his job… the time thing is really taking a toll on our phone time.. I’ve realized so many things.. like how I missed my opportunity with obryan because everything between meeh and him was KNOWN.. and thas how it is with Jimmy.. I KNOW… but this time I want it… “it takes discipline if we really wanted to be together.. and even though I don’t have u physically I know I have you mentally..” he says shit along those lines to me ALL the time.. and im just in awe… a nigga is really sayin this… he is damn near a boy version of me and I love it… I know that if I go to benedict.. imma end up with him.. and I know that if I end up with him.. I would end up marrying him.. because he has this passion inside of him.. and some of that passion is for me.  He loves his parents and appreciates all that they’ve done for him and he acknowledges that they loved each other enough to suffer together and were strong enough to survive together..and I know it with all my heart that he wouldn’t leave my side.. im so confident about it that I trust him completely.. I could just feel it that he would be putting in as much or maybe even more than I will.. and if he just meets meeh evenly that would be all I would need but I know that he would go above and beyond.. I know that if and when we get together.. I would be set for the rest of my life.. its so  unbelievable because.. we still have never met.. but I have so much faith in this whole situation..

But.. im just a little hesitant.. well not hesitant but I just want to wait till im in south Carolina.. cause I mean.. im bout to go to the military and imma keep it real.. imma try my best to not fuck with no one.. but whos to say that I won’t? a lot of shit will happen in the next like couple of months.. and as wonderful as this whole long distance thing is… the truth of the matter is that your physical needs will eventually get to you…

GASPS.. I feel like telling him damn near the same shit obryan told me…”I’d rather tell  you I fucked with someone as your friend, than have to tell you and you’re my boyfriend!” how effin ironic is that? Well  I know im being selfish.. and I know its goin to hurt jimmy but I have to be honest with him and with myself…I love him but “WE” just has to wait…

Much mahal
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So I finally did it! I GOT MY TAT! The one I’ve wanted for YEARS! So on Sunday me and WHOOPY! (kanetha) went to murder inc tattoos in down town  Sacramento to get our shit done! So I went first.. started at 5pm didn’t get out of that chair  til 730 pm! yeRP! Two whole fucken hours! Can you believe that shit! So he started just outlining the wings and that was hurt but was bearable  though the top part towards my shoulders hurt like HELL! Then he started shading in! HELL MUTHA FUCKEN NO! the right wing was painfull but the left wing was a bitch! I was in so much pain and I was sOOO TIRED! I started cryin! But only just a lil bit though we had to stop for a min cause ya feel I was getting all emotional! Then.. hella funny cause a couple of people who worked there started to smoke a blunt and they wanted me to hit it! SO I DID! Heaheh… puff puff pass… hella no point cause I only took a hit… but who can say they smoke with their tattoo artist! Oh and PS! The guy who did our tattoos is the guy who designed the new mac dre album thingy! YERP! So yeah and the HALO was hecka painful too! But then the word PAGASA (hope) didn’t hurt at all even though it was down my spine on the top half of my back… then I got PANANAMPALATAYA done over again and that was a breeze that shit even tickled… so my old tat looks brand new and HELLA better cause its also bigger…

So im hella skared bout what my momma finna say cause this shit is HELLA big and she didn’t want  me to get one cause it cost so damn much and I know she don’t really like tattoos! But yeah… im hella nervy to tell her….NyYYyAaaaaaaaAaaH!

So me and mr. jones had our first “oOh-Uh-uH” type of situation! So I was telling him how I could do the baby voice and how I can sound like a little chubby baby or a bratty ass BRAT RRAT!

So me and mr. jones had our first “oOh-Uh-uH” type of situation! So I was telling him how I could do the baby voice and how I can sound like a little chubby baby or a bratty ass BRAT RRAT! So we was laughin and he was like “BABY can u do me a favor, don’t ever do the first one (the chubby baby voice) again” he said cause it freaked him out .. but he was just playin.. but tell meeh why I nusta stopped talking…and was like “oh na its kOO” there is that word again! hA! So he was just singin and rappin and I started to cool off and was tryin to talk to him then he just kept goin… so I got upset again.. so we got off the phone.. but the next day ALL was GRAVY! So we’re good..

Much mahal
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